I had to phone someone so i picked on you…

i’m going to write about the last couple of days.
On Saturday, i had the college day – the Saturdays are always quite good craic, and this one was no exception.
In the morning, the task was to reflect back on an exercise from earlier in the year, and either write down or discuss which changes we thought we had gone through, to compare with earlier in the year. Then in the afternoon, we had been tasked (much earlier in the module) with either writing or finding a poem or song or some creative way of expressing our learning throughout Module 3.
We got finished earlier than usual, so i headed into Edinburgh to meet Mike – we had some food then bussed it into town to catch up, shoot the breeze, have a few drinks. Later in the evening, we met a girl from his office at work, and  some of her friends. Suffice to say, i was more than impressed with one of her friends – a seriously pretty brunette named Natasha. It was quite a noisy pub that we met them in, so i’m not sure where she came from…i could detect an accent, but couldn’t put my finger on it. Mike thought it may have been a Czech accent, but i’m not sure – i thought she actually sounded south african, but what do i know? not much. We only spent an hour or so in their company, but i was really taken with the girl i’d been talking to. Its not as if i  felt i was was in with a chance – she was a bit out of my league, but took the time to talk to me all the same. She’d been talked into some sort of blind date by her flatmate, a guy was coming to the pub to meet her. Having heard that, i kind of kept quiet and went a bit distant, and we went off to another pub (which was a bit busy, so me and mike set off to do our own thing, but met Natasha on the way down the hill, who’d left the guy who’d came to meet her in the pub , describing him as ‘a bit strange’. Being a rather attractive girl, she had no problems getting past the bouncers,  into the pub we’d just tried to get into…it was fine for her to get in, but apparently not cool for me and mike to go in. go figure.
We went to opium instead, had another drink or two, then called it a day there.

Sunday, i went to St Andrews on a family trip, had a nice long walk on the beach, then wandered around the town centre, found out that due to another result of a football game in the afternoon, Hearts had achieved promotion.
We went home, and out for dinner, and capped off another great day. The Following day was my 30th birthday, so it was quite a chilled out day, mainly sitting in the house not doing much, receiving birthday greetings on Facebook and finished off the day helping trying to build Finlays birthday present.

It’s been a great few days, and i’ve been walking a bit taller, had a bit of a spring in my step.

I like this feeling good about myself thing – i could get used to it.

It gives me a bit of confidence going forward, which i wouldn’t trade for anything.

if only thats what it was really like…

Recently, i’ve started watching Six Feet Under.
So far, i’ve found it enjoyable enough to follow. I’m however many years late to the party, but to me,  It seems fairly well written, and offers a darkly funny, and at times dramatic take on the every day aspect of peoples lives – along with how death affects people, how grief can manifest itself.
The cast is good too – I like Michael C. Halls work anyway, but he shows how versatile he is. Peter Krause, and Rachel Griffiths should be in more stuff too – maybe they have been, and i just haven’t seen them in anything. They have a familiarity about them, that you feel like you’ve watched them in stuff before.
But there are 2 things i find myself taking issue with, whenever i resume watching it. Its not necessarily an exclusive issue with Six Feet Under, but i’ll use it as an example, as its something i’ve been thinking of quite recently. I think, really, what i’m actually bothered about is how people writing for television,  portray relationships with people – specifically, Sexual relationships. It’s not realistic. i mean, i get that some shows are written as fantasy, and a form of escapism. But a lot of shows are written, seemingly, with the idea of being true to real life. And in these shows, people seem to fall out of bed with each other, straight into the arms of other people. Life, as i know it, is nothing like that. There are a lot more people in stable relationships (with all the good and bad things that that entails) than there are people sleeping around. For the most part, people in real life appear to be more loyal to their partners (not all the time, and for some people it just seems to be when it suits them). I’m getting away from the point here….what i’m trying to say is that tv writers would have you believe that reality is where its all just good looking people f*cking each other, and creating drama, and there are no real consequences to it. Life is not like that though – certainly not in my experience. Not everybody is ( or sees themselves as) an overly confident, good looking individual that puts it about, for want of a better, less crude expression. Some of us are genuine, intelligent, polite,  under confident average guys that are petrified of the idea of showing women their vulnerable side, because the fear of rejection is too real a threat to be overcome so easily as it is on TV. And i bet there are a lot of women out there, who see it similarly to how i do.

I saw this in a few episodes, and i couldn’t help but thinking- ” life isn’t like this…not for normal people anyway. the people who write this are exploiting a very real part of life, and making it into something that it really isn’t”. Sex is not likely to be as glamorous as it is in films or on TV. Thats just an idea, i don’t know if theres truth to it either way.

that might read a bit like stream-of-conscience thinking, but there was a lot of thought put into it, and it makes enough sense to me. Yeah, the point got away from me here and there, but i do make a point (a good one) overall.

Another issue with six feet under, is that the characters get to interact with the people in their life that are no longer with us, even if these interactions are in the characters imagination…what they think their departed loved ones would say about the situation. I wish it was like that – i’d love to have that opportunity to have known what advice i could be given at any given point. Really, i wish i could have that extra time with them…but often, it’s too painful to remember who and what i’ve lost.
Pain, possibly because i wasn’t ready to lose them, even if the time was right for them to go, given the circumstances of their health etc. when they passed.

This post likely makes no damn sense, but i just thought i’d use it to get some stuff off my chest. 🙂

some puerto rican guy…

have fell behind with the blogging – don’t always have anything to write about mind you, and when i do, i rarely have the angry.

no real changes over the last few months, other than having totally lost patience with work.
They’ve worn out their welcome, and i’ve had more than enough. i’m just in a bit of a hard place right now, because college is at a critical point just now, it would be a mistake to walk away right now and upset the equilibrium. whether i apply for uni or not is another matter – i feel i should do it, chance my arm. but whatever happens, i can’t stay at sainsburys much longer because i deserve better, and know i can do better.

as far as uni is concerned, i wish there was more options of places to study the counselling diploma. it only seems to be University of Edinburgh, and a university in glasgow that seem to run it. is it not even an option, Heriot Watt? Napier? come on guys, get your acts together.

grrrr…

blowing the cobwebs away…

I think the last time i posted anything was around new years day, so will update today.

Over the last few weeks, i’ve been reflecting a lot on the idea that, in my life, everybody leaves me sooner or later. A depressing thought, i know, but i have no reason to believe that it isn’t true. All of my friends from days long since past have gone. They are no longer really a part of my life, for all intents and purposes. The only time i hear from some of them, is on social media, and its only if they want something from me. Which is rather a black-and-white way of looking at things.So what – you don’t like it, you can sue me.

A few weeks back, this really got to me, because i still had it in my head that somehow it was my fault that they wanted nothing to do with me. but i feel as if i’ve turned a corner with that, I think it was yesterday, at the gym, or maybe the day before, i found myself thinking about it in a moment of clarity where i finally realised that it wasn’t my fault – in fact, over all of years it was me constantly making the journey to wherever they were, to suit them. I was their friend…when it suited them. And now, because it no longer suits them, we’re no longer friends, or certainly no longer as close as we once were. They can blame me all they like, for whatever reason they choose…
But thats not my fault. I’m, in fact, a lot happier on my own – no-one can hurt me if i’m on my own, other than myself…and i’m not the kind of person who will bring harm on themselves to make life more exciting. In fact, i take a lot of care of myself, i openly acknowledge to myself how i’m feeling, what i’m feeling, and try to turn it into a positive, something that can be used to learn from. Whereas some of my former peers are not mature enough in themselves to realise that. Well, pardon my french, fuck them. Friends that i do still have in my life are still there for a reason – because they put the work in and deserve my loyalty and generosity.

I’m actually really glad that i got that off my chest. I should do that more often.

one moment in time

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/moment-in-time/

been a while since i did a daily prompt.

the last picture(s) i took where on my phone, last week, when i went to see Queen and Adam Lambert at the Glasgow SSE Hydro. Queen are my favourite band , and i saw them touring with Paul Rodgers in 2008. So, i was thrilled to get to see them touring a second time. and it seemed to be one of those occasions that i needed to mark it by taking some pictures. They were on my phone, so they’re not of the best quality, but the one that is, was a shot of Freddie Mercury back in the bands rise to fame in the mid 70’s.

They are one of a handful of groups that i’ll always nail my colours to the mast for.

oh, and the gig totally blew me away.

New Year

with the start of this new year, 2015, its time to welcome in the changes that i want to undergo this year.

It’s easy to make a new years resolution, and not so easy to stick to it cos you fall back into old or bad habits. I’ll be turning 30 in a few months, which makes me more determined and motivated to make sure that i make these changes to myself for my betterment – i’m only going to get older. if i’m working out in the gym, i’m not going to get any faster – cos getting older to me,  means that i’ll start to lose a bit of pace or stamina physically. but it doesn’t have to be that way – it often isn’t, as i think my stubbornness and sheer bloody will power helps me overcome quite a lot. I’m not having a crisis about my age – i do have my own private concerns about what i haven’t accomplished in my time already, but thats nothing new. i’ve had them for a few years.

i’m comfortable enough with myself now to accept a lot of things about myself, that i haven’t previously liked.

Its only now that i’m motivated enough to do something about it.

and i can do it, cos i don’t need to depend on anyone else to stir me into action. In that respect, people will let you down. i may moan about it a lot, but its a positive to being lonely – you get a lot of things done. And you can largely avoid being let down, by being a bit of a loner – the only person you will let down is yourself. when that does happen, you can look at what can be done better next time, without having to worry about what it means for anybody else.

2015 could end up being the game changing chapter in the ‘book’. if i want it to be.