What will you do until you know me?

all fired up and motivated , all because of a gym session earlier.
Summer school halfway done, HNC starting after the summer holidays.

I’m so much more inspired to give it it my best = because i want to reap the rewards that could come from it. Ultimately i want to end up in a job with a lot more satisfaction, doing something i enjoy and that i’m good at. i’m going to do what i can to make it possible.

No luck on the love life front yet, and it hasn’t been through lack of effort. i’ll just need to keep at it, no matter how fruitless thats been.
if i end up lonely, it won’t have been through not trying.


Shorter entry than usual today – may say more soon.




look up here, man, i’m in heaven

It’s been some week. David Bowie died on sunday/monday which was distressing enough as it was, but then Alan Rickman died on thursday.
Both were upsetting (bowies shaded it slightly), both were shocking because the pair of them usually appear in good health.

In other news, not much else going on – a fair bit of photography, keeping ticking over with the college work, and the higher being set. If i can stay on top of it all, and make a good case for what i want to shoot for my higher, i could just about pull it off.
Lets see, what else – Love life, nothing doing. No changes there. But i’m not distressed about it…no point in getting upset….it’s not my fault, it’s not my choice, and i’ve not met anyone worth the risk of asking. Plus, why commit to someone who’s in it for material gain – not because they want to be with me.

nothing else to say right now – call it a day there.





what am i doing wrong?

What is it that i’m not seeing, or not doing right, that is continually keeping me alone on the sidelines? I don’t mean to, or want to generalise an entire gender, but i’m consistently let down by women. or strung along by them when it suits them, then disposed of once i’ve outlived my usefulness. this is how it feels anyway.
I mean, if i take a liking to a girl, it seems logical to me to be straight up with them, and give an honest account of myself, which is to say that i’m a nice guy and behave as such. I show a genuine interest, i’m polite, i ask questions to gather information. i want to find out what makes her tick, what she enjoys, what she is passionate about, and what they are looking for in a man. Because who wants to spend time with a uninterested emotionally distant piece of shit who will treat you terribly and has to keep a woman down low enough to make himself feel good? quite a lot of women, would appear to be the correct answer. I thought the ‘bad boy’ thing was just a phase, something within a lot of womens system, that they needed to go through to ‘get it off their chest’, tick it off the list. but i appear to have taken the bait.

I’m a 30 year old male (nearing 31) who women have kept at arms length since my early teens. I can’t be vulnerable around them, because the very second that i am, like sharks they smell blood and hurt me when i’m at my most sensitive. I feel like a freak, for being a virgin at my age, because lets face it…it’s not normal, is it. Most other guys have been and done the deed, and know how to be and what to say, and how to act to get access to that physical and emotional closeness that continues to stay one step ahead (or away) from me. I accept myself, flaws and all, because nobody is perfect…i’m getting more comfortable with who i am….but unfortunately, that now includes a bitterness and resentment, and wanting to keep distance from people so they can’t pour salt into the wound if they’ve been close enough to pry it open.

i’m getting towards my wits end, because i don’t know how i’m meant to solve this, and i don’t want to ask for help, because i should be able to do this on my own. Like any other grown man. but i don’t know how. if this is how women are, then its amazing how we’ve got this far in human evolution. i won’t lie about who and what i am….i just don’t know how many other people can say the same.

All i want, is to feel wanted and be loved.

it’s late and i’m tired….my life in a nutshell.


black magic woman

I have been lost, completely lost since friday night – theres no disguising it, i still have feelings for You Know Who.

The tricky thing about it, is that i have been attracted to her from the day i met her – we sort of dated over the course of a few months, but for me, it all kind of ended in tears (literally). it took a few years of giving myself a hard time, and then stepping back and looking at the facts and realising that i’d done nothing wrong, to warrant punishing myself.
I seriously felt like i had sorted myself out, and having not seen her for so long, i can imagine it might be similar to someone who has had issues with drugs but has been sober and straightened out for a few years – things have been going better over the last few years – one day at a time, staying strong, and resisting urges. but its amazing, and it’s only now as i type this that i realise that the way you feel about someone romantically never really goes away.

I’m not kidding myself on – for those years that i beat myself up about a lot of things, it was the way she made me feel. As a long term prospect, she has not been good for me or my mental health. i reckon a lot of my anxieties about my love life and myself came from being in her presence sometimes – you know, without going into the messy details, she did lie to me.

Ive kept busy, and over the last few years, things have slowly been turning around for me, allowing me to be more confident and comfortable with myself. It’s been recently, that i’ve allowed myself to feel attracted to her because i never really see her so what harm is it doing to anyone, and it gives me something (someone) to keep my mind occupied. But to bring it back to what i’m trying to say – even though it’s not likely to be reciprocated,

i think i love her.

i’ve been a bit distracted for the last 2 days, she has occupied a good 90% of my thoughts. i’ve tried to keep myself busy or asleep to break it all up a bit. what other excuse do i have for deciding that it was a good idea to watch Blazing Saddles at midnight last night, then following that up with Escape From New York. ‘keep my mind occupied, with other things’.
I think i need to just accept how i feel, deal with that in my own way, and hopefully things will go back to ‘normal’.
what else am i going to do? as i’ve framed it in my head throughout the typing of all of this, she is near impossible to resist.

its only gonna end in tears for me, but at least i won’t be bored. because i realise what i like most about her – she’s funny, dirty minded,  unpredictable, she’s exciting, she’s got an element of danger….and i’m intimidated by how much of who she is i find attractive. She scares me in a good way (and a bad way).

i better end it here because i could write for hours about how i feel, and thats not going to benefit anybody really.
off i go, for another trip down that familiar rabbit hole (and thats not a euphemism, its just how it seems).

just wanna do something special ,for all the ladies in the world

time for an update.

had a date in glasgow a few weeks ago – the date itself went well. but the girl, Jan, had decided by the next day that she didn’t feel as if we had enough in common. Which was a strange thing to say, considering that we actually had more in common that i’d first thought. But whatever, she obviously didn’t feel the same way. I’m getting on with my life now, but it devastated me at the time. It’s the first time in quite a long time that i’d met a girl that i found i really liked, and to end up back on square one by the end of the next day. i couldn’t work out if i had done something wrong, if i had came on too strong. i was convinced that it was my fault somehow, and was reduced to tears, sitting on the kitchen floor 2 days later.

As luck would have it the next girl i started to chat to, so i could get back on the horse, also happens to come from glasgow. there is something that i feel i almost have in common with girls/women from Glasgow, as well as find a lot of them somewhat appealing. They don’t seem as uptight as Edinburgh girls – they seem a bit more game for a laugh, show more of an obvious sense of humour, and seem looser and easier going. a lot of Edinburgh girls seem to have this idea that they are better than you, and that they are somehow owed something by the rest of the world. They’re more uptight, and can tend to act as if you’re are not worthy of their time or attention. Not all of them, but certainly a lot of them.

It seems like a bit of a cruel joke, that the type that i have most in common with, in terms of upbringing , world-view, and sense of humour are the ones that are not so easily accessible. In a way, so near and yet so far.

Glasgow is like valhalla, whereas Edinburgh can feel like purgatory. That said, we do have the festival….its slightly easier to get by when its on, cos the city loosens up a bit.
I suppose if it was on all of the time, it would get a bit boring but its a pretty accurate observation – edinburgh only loosens up  and is laid-back and worthy of attention a few times in a calendar year – spring, the festival season and new year.

i don’t live in the past, but its a nice place to visit…

just checking in. usually i show up, if i have something on my mind, and i want to type it out, see it in black and white, so i can acknowledge what it is thats bothering me. and a lot of it is ‘stream of consciousness’ so it’s everything pretty much leaking out of my brain, down my arms, along the fingers and into the keyboard.

Have felt a bit isolated recently – i know that thats how it has been for a long while, but its been bothering me more a bit recently. its quite frustrating.  i don’t know what i’ve done to anyone that has left me being the one thats gets left out of things, or being completely ignored – i may not always say so in person, but if someone shows an interest in finding out how i’m getting on after not seeing them for a while, i’m happy enough to talk to them. All things considered, i think thats the best i can hope for these days. i’ve kept myself to myself, because i’ve not wanted to depend on anybody. its when i start to depend on people that they start to let me down (see, stream of conscience is a great thing – i hadn’t put it together like that until i read that last part back, to myself).

The love life, or lack thereof, is also bothering me as well, because i’m doing what i can do to try and meet women – signed up for an online dating website to try and conjure some interest….that was about 3 years ago, it feels like….in any case, it isn’t working too well because no-one replies to my messages, and i’m not being a sleaze, i’m just being genuine and trying to find out about the ones on there that i like the look of. i’ll ask about any interests that they’ve mentioned in the ‘about me’ section, and try to break the ice that way, but nothing. i’m past the point on wanting to walk away from it….i felt that way about a year ago. i don’t want to resort to that, because it feels a bit like cutting off my nose to spite my face – i don’t want to remove it as an option, because i’m not in the position where i have any other alternative ways to meet women, other than the VERY occasional night out i might get here and there. But is it foolish to keep something going if it’s not yielding the desired results?  really, the only thing its doing for me is wasting my time, and leaving me feeling rotten about myself, thinking it must be something wrong with me or the way i’m expressing myself. Being shy doesn’t help – being shy even after turning 30 really doesn’t help – fearing rejection is an entirely unhelpful obstacle.
I keep saying this – i’m not a monster – but i’m only saying that, because its true.  yet i’m being treated like one (isolated, left alone, kept out of arms reach, abandoned) – even with one of my oldest friends, i’m falling down the ladder.
Outside my family (and even that can feel like thats up for debate) – i don’t feel like i matter to anyone anymore
I could list the people that i feel like i matter to – my dad, my nephew, my classmates from college, Leei and Sean (colleagues at work) and Mike (my best friend). Everyone else has other responsibilities, or has just drifted out of the picture. or maybe i’ve drifted away from everyone (doesn’t feel like it though). anyone else has long since dropped out of the picture, through their own manoeuvring, not mine.

I don’t have those responsibilities – the way my life is right now, i’ve put myself in a position where i can try to follow the path i want my life to take, but it feels like its at the expense of so many other things (‘ if you want to do this and this, then it will cost you all of these things’).

its helped to write all this down, but i don’t feel as if i’m any further forward….i still feel lost, and lonely. i’m not begging though – i don’t want to depend on anyone, so thats the price i’m paying.

she’s my priestess, i’m her priest

i don’t like myself very much at the best of times, but today was a visit back to the bad old days, where i’d spend most of the day hating myself – then sit on the bus home, on the edge of bursting into tears based on how bad i had felt all day.

And it was all because of my own clumsiness / stupidity. i lost a birthday present – a gift that i’ve had for like 2 weeks. its a small leather bracelet with a magnetic clip that holds it fastened, thats fell off my wrist on the way to work this morning.
the worst part of all of this, is that because of the world we live in nowadays, it wouldn’t have been handed in anywhere as lost property – if its been picked up, its been pocketed by whoever has found it.
if all of that was not bad enough, i mentioned it to the customer service desk at work, to cover my bases if it turned out it had fell off my wrist in store somewhere. But the person at customer service desk may as well have laughed in my face, as she stood there the entire time with a smirk on her face,while i was stood there explaining the situation, and giving a description of the missing item. I’m no customer service expert, but if i had someone who was a little distressed and anxiously trying to describe something, i wouldn’t stand there grinning like an idiot in their fucking face and would actually try to be of some help. but thats just me.

clearly, people at customer service desks have something against me – the last time i had to report lost property, it was a lost wallet and the guy at that desk was just as unhelpful.

i’m grinding my teeth with the stress of replaying todays events in my head, so i’m going to go sit on my own, in a bad mood, and stew about it for a little while.