What is it that i’m not seeing, or not doing right, that is continually keeping me alone on the sidelines? I don’t mean to, or want to generalise an entire gender, but i’m consistently let down by women. or strung along by them when it suits them, then disposed of once i’ve outlived my usefulness. this is how it feels anyway.
I mean, if i take a liking to a girl, it seems logical to me to be straight up with them, and give an honest account of myself, which is to say that i’m a nice guy and behave as such. I show a genuine interest, i’m polite, i ask questions to gather information. i want to find out what makes her tick, what she enjoys, what she is passionate about, and what they are looking for in a man. Because who wants to spend time with a uninterested emotionally distant piece of shit who will treat you terribly and has to keep a woman down low enough to make himself feel good? quite a lot of women, would appear to be the correct answer. I thought the ‘bad boy’ thing was just a phase, something within a lot of womens system, that they needed to go through to ‘get it off their chest’, tick it off the list. but i appear to have taken the bait.
I’m a 30 year old male (nearing 31) who women have kept at arms length since my early teens. I can’t be vulnerable around them, because the very second that i am, like sharks they smell blood and hurt me when i’m at my most sensitive. I feel like a freak, for being a virgin at my age, because lets face it…it’s not normal, is it. Most other guys have been and done the deed, and know how to be and what to say, and how to act to get access to that physical and emotional closeness that continues to stay one step ahead (or away) from me. I accept myself, flaws and all, because nobody is perfect…i’m getting more comfortable with who i am….but unfortunately, that now includes a bitterness and resentment, and wanting to keep distance from people so they can’t pour salt into the wound if they’ve been close enough to pry it open.
i’m getting towards my wits end, because i don’t know how i’m meant to solve this, and i don’t want to ask for help, because i should be able to do this on my own. Like any other grown man. but i don’t know how. if this is how women are, then its amazing how we’ve got this far in human evolution. i won’t lie about who and what i am….i just don’t know how many other people can say the same.
All i want, is to feel wanted and be loved.
it’s late and i’m tired….my life in a nutshell.