black magic woman

I have been lost, completely lost since friday night – theres no disguising it, i still have feelings for You Know Who.

The tricky thing about it, is that i have been attracted to her from the day i met her – we sort of dated over the course of a few months, but for me, it all kind of ended in tears (literally). it took a few years of giving myself a hard time, and then stepping back and looking at the facts and realising that i’d done nothing wrong, to warrant punishing myself.
I seriously felt like i had sorted myself out, and having not seen her for so long, i can imagine it might be similar to someone who has had issues with drugs but has been sober and straightened out for a few years – things have been going better over the last few years – one day at a time, staying strong, and resisting urges. but its amazing, and it’s only now as i type this that i realise that the way you feel about someone romantically never really goes away.

I’m not kidding myself on – for those years that i beat myself up about a lot of things, it was the way she made me feel. As a long term prospect, she has not been good for me or my mental health. i reckon a lot of my anxieties about my love life and myself came from being in her presence sometimes – you know, without going into the messy details, she did lie to me.

Ive kept busy, and over the last few years, things have slowly been turning around for me, allowing me to be more confident and comfortable with myself. It’s been recently, that i’ve allowed myself to feel attracted to her because i never really see her so what harm is it doing to anyone, and it gives me something (someone) to keep my mind occupied. But to bring it back to what i’m trying to say – even though it’s not likely to be reciprocated,

i think i love her.

i’ve been a bit distracted for the last 2 days, she has occupied a good 90% of my thoughts. i’ve tried to keep myself busy or asleep to break it all up a bit. what other excuse do i have for deciding that it was a good idea to watch Blazing Saddles at midnight last night, then following that up with Escape From New York. ‘keep my mind occupied, with other things’.
I think i need to just accept how i feel, deal with that in my own way, and hopefully things will go back to ‘normal’.
what else am i going to do? as i’ve framed it in my head throughout the typing of all of this, she is near impossible to resist.

its only gonna end in tears for me, but at least i won’t be bored. because i realise what i like most about her – she’s funny, dirty minded,  unpredictable, she’s exciting, she’s got an element of danger….and i’m intimidated by how much of who she is i find attractive. She scares me in a good way (and a bad way).

i better end it here because i could write for hours about how i feel, and thats not going to benefit anybody really.
off i go, for another trip down that familiar rabbit hole (and thats not a euphemism, its just how it seems).