just checking in. usually i show up, if i have something on my mind, and i want to type it out, see it in black and white, so i can acknowledge what it is thats bothering me. and a lot of it is ‘stream of consciousness’ so it’s everything pretty much leaking out of my brain, down my arms, along the fingers and into the keyboard.
Have felt a bit isolated recently – i know that thats how it has been for a long while, but its been bothering me more a bit recently. its quite frustrating. i don’t know what i’ve done to anyone that has left me being the one thats gets left out of things, or being completely ignored – i may not always say so in person, but if someone shows an interest in finding out how i’m getting on after not seeing them for a while, i’m happy enough to talk to them. All things considered, i think thats the best i can hope for these days. i’ve kept myself to myself, because i’ve not wanted to depend on anybody. its when i start to depend on people that they start to let me down (see, stream of conscience is a great thing – i hadn’t put it together like that until i read that last part back, to myself).
The love life, or lack thereof, is also bothering me as well, because i’m doing what i can do to try and meet women – signed up for an online dating website to try and conjure some interest….that was about 3 years ago, it feels like….in any case, it isn’t working too well because no-one replies to my messages, and i’m not being a sleaze, i’m just being genuine and trying to find out about the ones on there that i like the look of. i’ll ask about any interests that they’ve mentioned in the ‘about me’ section, and try to break the ice that way, but nothing. i’m past the point on wanting to walk away from it….i felt that way about a year ago. i don’t want to resort to that, because it feels a bit like cutting off my nose to spite my face – i don’t want to remove it as an option, because i’m not in the position where i have any other alternative ways to meet women, other than the VERY occasional night out i might get here and there. But is it foolish to keep something going if it’s not yielding the desired results? really, the only thing its doing for me is wasting my time, and leaving me feeling rotten about myself, thinking it must be something wrong with me or the way i’m expressing myself. Being shy doesn’t help – being shy even after turning 30 really doesn’t help – fearing rejection is an entirely unhelpful obstacle.
I keep saying this – i’m not a monster – but i’m only saying that, because its true. yet i’m being treated like one (isolated, left alone, kept out of arms reach, abandoned) – even with one of my oldest friends, i’m falling down the ladder.
Outside my family (and even that can feel like thats up for debate) – i don’t feel like i matter to anyone anymore
I could list the people that i feel like i matter to – my dad, my nephew, my classmates from college, Leei and Sean (colleagues at work) and Mike (my best friend). Everyone else has other responsibilities, or has just drifted out of the picture. or maybe i’ve drifted away from everyone (doesn’t feel like it though). anyone else has long since dropped out of the picture, through their own manoeuvring, not mine.
I don’t have those responsibilities – the way my life is right now, i’ve put myself in a position where i can try to follow the path i want my life to take, but it feels like its at the expense of so many other things (‘ if you want to do this and this, then it will cost you all of these things’).
its helped to write all this down, but i don’t feel as if i’m any further forward….i still feel lost, and lonely. i’m not begging though – i don’t want to depend on anyone, so thats the price i’m paying.