blowing the cobwebs away…

I think the last time i posted anything was around new years day, so will update today.

Over the last few weeks, i’ve been reflecting a lot on the idea that, in my life, everybody leaves me sooner or later. A depressing thought, i know, but i have no reason to believe that it isn’t true. All of my friends from days long since past have gone. They are no longer really a part of my life, for all intents and purposes. The only time i hear from some of them, is on social media, and its only if they want something from me. Which is rather a black-and-white way of looking at things.So what – you don’t like it, you can sue me.

A few weeks back, this really got to me, because i still had it in my head that somehow it was my fault that they wanted nothing to do with me. but i feel as if i’ve turned a corner with that, I think it was yesterday, at the gym, or maybe the day before, i found myself thinking about it in a moment of clarity where i finally realised that it wasn’t my fault – in fact, over all of years it was me constantly making the journey to wherever they were, to suit them. I was their friend…when it suited them. And now, because it no longer suits them, we’re no longer friends, or certainly no longer as close as we once were. They can blame me all they like, for whatever reason they choose…
But thats not my fault. I’m, in fact, a lot happier on my own – no-one can hurt me if i’m on my own, other than myself…and i’m not the kind of person who will bring harm on themselves to make life more exciting. In fact, i take a lot of care of myself, i openly acknowledge to myself how i’m feeling, what i’m feeling, and try to turn it into a positive, something that can be used to learn from. Whereas some of my former peers are not mature enough in themselves to realise that. Well, pardon my french, fuck them. Friends that i do still have in my life are still there for a reason – because they put the work in and deserve my loyalty and generosity.

I’m actually really glad that i got that off my chest. I should do that more often.

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