updating this has slightly got away from me recently.
i’ve had a lot on my mind so i’ll just have to forgive myself, i guess.
most of the past week, i’ve felt quite disappointed in myself.
i’ve been getting a bit depressed because of work. as a part time job, it fits because college is only part time. i don’t feel particularly valued, and staying there long term isn’t what i want to do – whether i end up in counselling not is another matter, i don’t think it’s bad for me to want more for myself, in terms of showing ambition and wanting some success for myself. i want to make something of myself, to prove wrong all the people who’ve never believed i could or would. but i just want to be happy. right now, that seems unrealistic and pretty far away but i need to just keep myself calm and remind myself that things take time.
it feels like a cop out to say that, but i need to believe that my hard work will pay off somehow , someday. cos if i didn’t believe that, then what is the point? if i didn’t believe i could go further, why did i leave the civil service? what was the point of any of my decisions, if it leads me to nothing.
i’m not being arrogant – i know i’m capable of more, but it’s hard to keep believing it without any encouragement.
a small part of me wishes i wasn’t here though. not that i’d ever act on a thought like that, but i need to acknowledge it.
i just need a sign to let me know that carrying on will be worth the hard work.