have i ever had to make a difficult decision to sort a problem out myself, or asked someone else to fix it for me?
yes, of course – but the way i’m going to interpret it is as 2 separate situations.
i’m quite an independent person these days, which i’m quite proud of, but i feel that i’ve had to instil that in myself to get by. Don’t get me wrong, i’m at the tail end of my thirties, and i still live with my parents. But i consider myself to be an independent man, i never borrow money from anyone, especially my parents, and i only ask for favours if it’s not going to inconvenience people. if and when a problem arises i use my initiative and try to be proactive and get the situation sorted out quickly and quietly.
But i do also have to ask for a lot of help if things have become too much for me, and i’ve let the stress get to me, or i’ve bottled up my emotions and how i’ve felt for longer than would be considered healthy, and i’ve had to go to the 2 people i trust other than myself – you guessed it, my mum and dad – when i’m on the verge of breaking into tears (and frequently have let it all out). Knowing when to fix things yourself and when to ask for help is a part of life, whether we like it or not.
that relative is me…
everyone else is a bit more straight laced. not me though.
that may seem like an attention seek-ey , bullshit answer but it happens to be true.
updating this has slightly got away from me recently.
i’ve had a lot on my mind so i’ll just have to forgive myself, i guess.
most of the past week, i’ve felt quite disappointed in myself.
i’ve been getting a bit depressed because of work. as a part time job, it fits because college is only part time. i don’t feel particularly valued, and staying there long term isn’t what i want to do – whether i end up in counselling not is another matter, i don’t think it’s bad for me to want more for myself, in terms of showing ambition and wanting some success for myself. i want to make something of myself, to prove wrong all the people who’ve never believed i could or would. but i just want to be happy. right now, that seems unrealistic and pretty far away but i need to just keep myself calm and remind myself that things take time.
it feels like a cop out to say that, but i need to believe that my hard work will pay off somehow , someday. cos if i didn’t believe that, then what is the point? if i didn’t believe i could go further, why did i leave the civil service? what was the point of any of my decisions, if it leads me to nothing.
i’m not being arrogant – i know i’m capable of more, but it’s hard to keep believing it without any encouragement.
a small part of me wishes i wasn’t here though. not that i’d ever act on a thought like that, but i need to acknowledge it.
i just need a sign to let me know that carrying on will be worth the hard work.
of the people closest to me, the person least like me is my best friend