i’ve spent most of the last 2 days wondering if my mum and dad are disappointed in me, based on where i am in my life right now (where i feel i’ve been stuck for the at least the last couple of years, to be honest). i’m addressing this thought because it has been around for a lot longer – its just the last 2 days that i’ve put it into those words.
i’m no longer working full time, i’m going to the gym and working out on my own quite a lot, i’m doing the college course which is the only thing really keeping me happy in a way….i have nothing else really going on. thats not really by choice – i’m single and have learnt to live with that, but i am lonely and i do still find myself thinking that there must be something wrong with me that keeps people away, that turns women off on me. i work out a lot, and am working like a trojan to lose weight and get in good shape but i do have a metabolism that makes losing weight or keeping weight off a real battle. i’m not a beached whale by any stretch of the imagination, but i’ve not got the rippling 6 pack that seems so popular with the females. i think maybe i’m trying to live up to near impossible standards.
‘people born under the Cyniclese sign tend to be loners or those who only keep the company of their very closest friends and family – their inner circle. They are , by their very nature determined and stubborn – honest and trustworthy and with great sense of humour but can also tend to feel undervalued by people and find it difficult to really trust people.
my confidence is coming back, slowly but surely.
i felt comfortable enough with myself to do my thing at the soul night on Saturday.
i also feel as if i was rewarded in some small way yesterday – getting to briefly see someone i met a few years ago, and being reminded of how good looking i think she is (not that i reckon i’d be in with a chance…but you never know, eh?) – for taking my opportunity and running with it on Saturday, and refusing to let myself get angry.
i feel good about myself, for the first time in a long time – thats the most important thing.
probably around the age of 24, 25. i had a serious injury to my left eye, leaving me temporarily blind on that side. plus, the pressure inside the eye shot right up and it could have led to a serious operation.
the following year, i got my first pair of glasses, due to my vision getting steadily worse.
very recently, my hearing in my right ear has been tinny and sensitive to certain levels of noise.
back problems, knee problems, possible even early signs of arthritis in my hands.
thats when i realised the perils of getting older, and that the decline in health starts earlier than you’d think. I’m not even 30 and i feel like i’m falling to bits.
my room is a total mess – it’s not the biggest room to start with, so clutter builds up easily. but my bed takes up so much room, it really doesn’t help.
i will do a big clean in the build up to christmas.
longest i’ve gone without reading a book that i’ve enjoyed (is that cheating) is probably about a year. the book(s) that broke that drought were The Hunger Games trilogy.
‘my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die…’