college threw a question at me tonight, during one of the writing and discussing exercises.
the question was about how i feel when i’m attracted to someone. it was a difficult one to answer – especially when i happened to end up paired with a pretty attractive female classmate. but it made me think all the same. we both had relatively the same answer – where we were concerned, we both felt that it would leave us flustered…shy but also left with a good positive feeling too.
i can understand why it’d leave me flustered – because when i’m attracted to a girl, i never know how to deal with it. i hold on to it as a private feeling until i have my hopes dashed or i’ve left it too long and too late to do anything about it. i wonder why i get like that.
one theory is that from childhood, being teased about fancying someone led to embarrassment, and with me , embarrassment always seems to lead to feeling shame/ashamed. but i don’t know why. you can’t help feeling attraction to someone – physically or otherwise. attraction can play completely against type. one of the best looking girls i think i’ve ever seen, was on the bus away from work on a half day. it was a goth girl with short, sticky up punkey black hair, pierced lip and …this will sound weird…a stunning jawline. cheekbones. i never stare…not confident enough or good looking enough to justify it, but i COULD NOT keep my eyes off her. i even find my thoughts drifting back to that day, getting lost in my thoughts thinking about how attractive she was.
attraction is a difficult thing for me to deal with, must be the same for guys like me. which i’ll state right now – there are not many of.
its something which i’d love to investigate much further, because it really struck a chord with me. it hit a nerve.