rocking the sequinned red silk tuxedo

 had an unusually positive day at work today…still waiting for something to go wrong, and i’ve been home for 2 hours.

truth be told, most of today i’ve been a bit hung up all day. I’m going through one of my periods of having a crush (if thats all that it is ) on a close female friend of mine. my feelings for any women i’ve liked tend come and go in fits and bursts. i happen to know that this girl in particular (call her what she is – a woman, she is 25 years old after all) hasn’t had the most positive of effects on me throughout my time of knowing her. i’ve basically had a crush on her from the moment i met her, and that was 7 years ago. it could have turned into something back in the earlier years, but apparently i was ” too nervous”. i can’t help it if thats the way she made me feel. it didn’t happen and there was a while where i really resented her for a while – with what i feel is and was good reason. it’s a long story, for another day.

anyway, i go through long spells of not feeling anything for her but friendship, but occasionally i’ll indulge myself and pretend that it could still go somewhere, and have a while where i think about her all the time, but keeping my feelings to myself. 
why would i want to embarrass myself, after all, and go through more heartache by acting on it?

end of the day, you can’t help the way you feel about someone – you don’t really have much of a choice in the women that you’re attracted to, physically and emotionally.  it happens, and as a man, you just have to deal with it.
still, maybe it could go somewhere…no-one knows what the future holds.

 it’s not like i have a huge leather bound book of choices though…and like i’ve said, you can’t help how you feel about someone.

rip it up and start again…

i signed up to WordPress months ago, haven’t really used it yet. but it might be a decent forum for me to start getting things off my chest.

i’m not happy at work, i’m worried about college and wondering if i’ve made the right decision (i don’t think i have, is what i’m really saying), i’m lonely, i think i’m depressed and slipping into that place again where i’m going to need help, and need to talk to someone.
am having vague thoughts that i would be better off…not being around.
i couldn’t do that though….the only thing that stops me from giving it serious thought is that it would hurt my family, and i am all about family. my family are the ones that are always around, there for me in my bad days. not like my friends – who’ve either dropped me for ‘more preferable company’ or isolated me for reasons known best to themselves. well, fuck you if that applies – who needs you. i know who i mean something to. i just don’t always have the belief or the energy to be ‘on’ all the time, and let them know how much they mean to me, cos apparently theres something wrong with letting people know that you care for them or hold them in really high regard. everything has to go through a filter – where you can say exactly what you mean, but not quite. complex, eh? thats being british for you though…

i suppose though, silver lining of it all is that it makes me far from being a boring bastard.

i’ll be back on soon to update, i reckon. i should make blogging my hobby.
Ta,
Alan